Silence

( A letter to Gener Guarra Ramos)

Your silence outwrestles things

And you are so far…

I do not understand, or perhaps

I do,  

I miss you

When you arrive, nightly,

And you speak to me
and the paragraphs drop
like rain – and I know nothing
but your eyes

In genuine oneness.

I missed lines, I fall short to details

But if I shall read you or announce

I cannot fathom into words

For there is so much to understand in you

Like how your scars and aches pins me close

And the sound of yours, like a child

Like a man that never grows old

You are delicately fastened to my soul

Asthough you are the rain that quenches the world

 

Silence

Is  hard

Is confusing

Silence

Makes mefeels like a glass that shattered in the slightest touch of your memory.

 

Call me stupid but I miss you

Are these cropped a smile ?

How I wish to see.

I’m holding on to trust like an invisible thread that harness my belief of your worth to struggle with.

 

In that time, when words are free and restful as the waves of the sea.

Unheard-of “Ant Mutiny” Prized Me Sweet

Our superiors in ADDFII summoned us–Robert, Kenneth and I ( the writers “kuno”) in a writing seminar. Bit of details were handed down to us, they just told us the location and tadaah were fine. We thought it was just a simple seminar about writing that we badly need ( we struggle even with the basics) to enhance our writing skills in making narrative reports that is to be submitted to DSWD. A call of duty in short, we strode on our way to KAPI office in the midst of pouring rain. Both Robert and I found our own comfortable places and took our sits. They served us hot choco, coffee and crackers. They were very kind. We just have few numbers in the room, participants were mostly La Verdad Students taking up Mass Communication and AB Broadcasting. What do you expect, it’s a writer’s gathering. Me and Robert were little intimidated because we thought we are less in terms of knowledge in writing and we might not grasps the ideas easily that will be discussed by the lecturer.

So I was staring blankly at the Big screen and crossed my arms across my chest. Twa’s really a cold room, serene, with intellectual aura from the people around. So as I was saying, I stare blankly at that big screen when suddenly it flashed

“1ST WRITER’S CONGRESS”

“Man, it sounds like a big one..i thought it was just a mere seminar” my minds speaks in manner I am outraged haha. And this congress aims to develop its participants so they can be geared to write in a magazine. “What on earth am I doing here?” I told to myself. I thought we’ll just discuss on metaphors and simile and doing narrative reports. I am a bit outraged (just a bit hehe) because this event wasn’t clearly explained in details, our fault as well cause we never asked. To my surprise, I felt a bit strange. I just knew there would be workshops and group dynamics or sorts and I was hoping not. But there is, and it is 2 workshops. I am not sociable, I hope this shall pass the soonest. I cannot untangle myself anymore in this trap hahaha! so the best way to move on is to accept.

The speaker is a big woman–figuratively. Maam Jane Abao, the very controversial Maam Jane Abao who has been a subject in online arguments about religion. She was a very compassionate speaker. She has a solid stance in what she says, very inspiring and motivating. That time I was not planning to take writing seriously but after she said her piece I was moved, I feel the need to contribute in the society. Naks! She’s awesome. She speaks plainly but when you read her writings, they were monstrous hard to gauge using my small word bank. I feel inspired and challenged.

Speaking of the workshop, It was a writing workshop. Of course! 

There were a list of topics and we are entitled to pick one and make a query–letter to the editor. We were thought of the format and formula at the earlier part of the seminar. I may say that the organizers of that event are determined in looking for potential writers for Believer Magazine that will be issued on December. Before I, my co participants were asked to select a topic from the list shown in the screen. To misfortune, my bet was picked the soonest. When it was on my part, Maam Jane proposed me the topic ” Ant Mutiny: The Mystery Behind Ant Army”. She told a bit of and idea. At the back of my mind “What do I know about ants? I just knew they bite my leg when I am washing the dishes because our kitchen is a messy slump” haha kidding aside. I have a little idea but the word “mutiny” confused me. I knew ants depicts togetherness, works en masse and mutiny suggests that there is a war within them. That is controversial and mysterious. I’ve never heard such, it sounds betrayal. How come? 

So I started the query. My topic is concrete, readers don’t need my own insights it requires facts to unlock the mystery behind. So I plotted the questions, I, myself is interested to know as well and arranged them afterwards. So I was through with my query. I passed it to Maam Jane with confidence. Naks! I observed her face using my peripheral vision while eating pancit. She’s actually reading them from top to bottom. Then she call everyone’s attention and says “There’s a write up here that is a candidate for most competitive query”. To my happiness I lose my appetite in eating  hahaha!

All have passed. And Thank God mine was selected to be the most competitive query among the participant present. I am so grateful. I don’t know what to feel, it may be little to some but it is something great on my part. My name ( just be uttered by Maam Jane is an honor), so humbling :).

Robert got the best mind concept. We both have prizes and the prizes are so sweet, literally. I am eating them now!

Image

a bagfull of chocolates and cloudnines! Really sweet! I made them my lunch because nobody cares to cook lunch in this house hahaha!

So, we were asked by Bro. Bob Clarita, the presidenct of the Writers Connect to visit the ADD Publication every saturday.

And we end up so happy, especially I. I feel elated and welcomed in the world of writers. In the world of words and brains hahaha…

I know I am worthless and I need to enhance myself more with God’s help. 

Maam Jane said “READ READ READ” she said this a tons of times, I just fail to count… 😦

I don’t know if I want to be a writer. I just know I want to be effective in all manner I can be used. I love studying and caregiving more than writing. But let’s just see. I don’t want to box myself either and lose opportunities.

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As I was saying earlier, I feel very ineffective. I still feel ecstatic about the night before that I bring that kinda feel at our hospital duty. I am happy but not in the right condition to work. You know that feeling that you are not able to connect the same feel with your patients. That you are remaining silent because you are thinking of other things instead of dealing or attending their needs. Yes, I did attend their needs. I have taken Vital signs, I made their beds, I checked the fluids, I made some follow ups but did I did them by heart? That is what I was seeking for myself earlier, why am I being silent? why can’t I express a nice conversation with the patients?

Why is it that when you are lonely or you have something to endure, that is the time when I feel like I have the courage to do everything that is right? 

When I am sad, I kinda absorbed the unkind emotions as well. And when I am sad, I am more sensitive to every feeling. And I reacted as if I don’t to others feel the way that I feel. I don’t want them to get hurt. That’s why I am pursued to accomplish tasks better. Because I am with my heart. 

And when I am carnally happy, I am gone with the world, with the reality..haha it’s a funny thing to say. I am mostly alone and excels when I am alone. But I don’t wish to stay like that…

So, I want to clear my values…

I am a student nurse and I have to make it work. Though not sure of the future which now I don’t care, I have to do something about this. Every human needs attention, every person in pain needs to be comfort, be genuine, be honest, be knowledgeable, be with heart…everyone is facing difficulty, even I, and you know yourself best above them. Never underestimate someone..and be kind to all 🙂

And I need to seek my bible..maybe that’s I am lacking right now…I need to practice everysingle commandments. Practice..practice..everyday. Goals are futile if my cores are weak. 

 

I had this patient and he was suffering from unstable angina pectoris, CAD. He also is suffering from gouty neuropathy–kidney complications. Kanina, he told me he wanted to die because he is suffering hard in his chest pain. In patients dealing with this disease, they feel like a crushing and stabbing pain in the chest. He was given morphine..and that medication wouldn’t be given if I didn’t go to nurse’s station and tell them he has severe chest pain. But morphine didn’t relieve his pain. My patients feels anxious and restless, he is crying hard and expresses that he wants to die. I don’t know if I remained silent because that is my defense mechanism, but inside I really feel helpless. I want to do more but I am shy and I was not in the right condition…I feel stupid.. I have handled a hard patient though I feel so less..

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I feel very ineffective today. I just knew when I started the day, I would be like doing some errors. I believe that everything that happens to me must be the consequence of “not doing right”. Who else to blame? except me… 

Okay let’s put it this way…It is not wrong to love..never from the start. But when you feel such, it’s like you just want to feel them all throughout the day. You don’t mind if you have more important things to do, you just want to wait and it is dreadful isn’t? I just want to wait for both us to have a nice talk…just like that..time seems like endless. Pero…

Pero…Being in love shouldn’t always be irrational. And being inlove is not only to your boyfriend. I should be more in love with knowledge that would bring benefits to my upcoming patients and myself. I don’t blame my boyfriend, I blame me. He would always understand what am I going through and I am proud to say that we have a good foundation in this relationship. It’s just me, okay. I was goofing off, wasting my time in fantasies. Supposed to be I should be studying hard during Sundays–that was my best day to unwind and refresh myself at toxic school works. That’s also the time to work on with my values. I am being driven with so much party life during weekdays that I need to watch out for myself as well. Sundays are also the best times to prepare. I am preparing for something, though I am not sure what God wills at least I have plans. They say never plan, you just have to enjoy what is on the present time, because if you do…you will feel disappointed afterwards if you don’t achieve your thing.

It is right, true in some sense. But it is never prudent not setting goals. Goals will push you harder to attain something, challenges will push you outside your borderlines and leads you to a broader world. It is not always enjoyment..you should feel failures and hardships in achieving them. What if your plans didn’t came to happen?

I’ll just stay as before and be thankful. I am glad that Brother Eli and Brother Daniel thought me that God has better plans for us. You just have to put Him first before anything else, and you will see and feel that He is working with you. In this sense, in face of failures and disappointments, I will still be happy. Give your best to God and He will give the best to you. All that will be best for you. Just prioritize Him first.

I am guilty of these things–

For the past few days, I was taking Him for granted. I was mindless because I am happy about other things. I am mislead by my carnal feelings and literally sort of forgetting Him. 

It’s time for me to unwind. I know God is my all. He would be the best for me. When everything will be gone, and feel like I have lost everything, I would always cling to God..always to Him. And if not for Him I am distraught. I am in a world that is full of insensibility and self-driven motives. I was dealing with young but proud people. People that are well practice on putting discouragement to their colleagues. I am blessed because I have God. I am able to survive these. 

If the man is given by Him, he should be beneficial and supplements my salvation. And I see him naman as a very wise person. It’s just me, okay :)… 

Priority is priority.

I should be in love more with things that makes my life colorful.