4:30 am Philippine time.

Nervous is the word. Whoa 500 item exam, where’s the mercy in there?

Sagging eye-bags will become the trend in somewhat way and I think I have to change a little bit of my school morning routine. During vacation, I wake up as late as 8 am and continue to wallow like a pig till 9, however, during school days, I notice my body clock starts to roll as early as 3 am and from then all I do is to think. I also noticed I am most emotional during the early mornings. It’s kinda weird though, I found myself  in regrets, sometimes in utmost happiness, and sometimes in extreme loneliness. What’s with the early morning giving you all this type of feeling?

Goodmorning!

I’m on my last semester and thinking somehow it will be over, I wish I had more time to make things better. I missed to be the best student I can tag on my own. I want to beat myself more. I wish I could have done better in school.

Truly I have regrets, because along the way I have inserted moments that paved me to a different track. The track of writing is truly a different one from the nursing course. What will happen if my focus is only to nursing, will it make a big difference? What if I set aside my heart, and let theories and practice fills it…

I’m wallowing in seasons, that doesn’t speak of the present. Is it my pleasure that is taking over me? Writing is pleasure. My pleasure is writing. But what’s the purpose? I write to please my self? that’s so a shallow deed, no purpose..Hence, it’s better to cling to nursing.

But no, I won’t stop writing. I love exploring my world. If I lose track I’ll get back to it. There’s more reason to write, there’s more reason than writing alone.

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As I was saying earlier, I feel very ineffective. I still feel ecstatic about the night before that I bring that kinda feel at our hospital duty. I am happy but not in the right condition to work. You know that feeling that you are not able to connect the same feel with your patients. That you are remaining silent because you are thinking of other things instead of dealing or attending their needs. Yes, I did attend their needs. I have taken Vital signs, I made their beds, I checked the fluids, I made some follow ups but did I did them by heart? That is what I was seeking for myself earlier, why am I being silent? why can’t I express a nice conversation with the patients?

Why is it that when you are lonely or you have something to endure, that is the time when I feel like I have the courage to do everything that is right? 

When I am sad, I kinda absorbed the unkind emotions as well. And when I am sad, I am more sensitive to every feeling. And I reacted as if I don’t to others feel the way that I feel. I don’t want them to get hurt. That’s why I am pursued to accomplish tasks better. Because I am with my heart. 

And when I am carnally happy, I am gone with the world, with the reality..haha it’s a funny thing to say. I am mostly alone and excels when I am alone. But I don’t wish to stay like that…

So, I want to clear my values…

I am a student nurse and I have to make it work. Though not sure of the future which now I don’t care, I have to do something about this. Every human needs attention, every person in pain needs to be comfort, be genuine, be honest, be knowledgeable, be with heart…everyone is facing difficulty, even I, and you know yourself best above them. Never underestimate someone..and be kind to all 🙂

And I need to seek my bible..maybe that’s I am lacking right now…I need to practice everysingle commandments. Practice..practice..everyday. Goals are futile if my cores are weak. 

 

I had this patient and he was suffering from unstable angina pectoris, CAD. He also is suffering from gouty neuropathy–kidney complications. Kanina, he told me he wanted to die because he is suffering hard in his chest pain. In patients dealing with this disease, they feel like a crushing and stabbing pain in the chest. He was given morphine..and that medication wouldn’t be given if I didn’t go to nurse’s station and tell them he has severe chest pain. But morphine didn’t relieve his pain. My patients feels anxious and restless, he is crying hard and expresses that he wants to die. I don’t know if I remained silent because that is my defense mechanism, but inside I really feel helpless. I want to do more but I am shy and I was not in the right condition…I feel stupid.. I have handled a hard patient though I feel so less..

Happy 1st birthday to our Princess!

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It was on the kindest nature of our preachers why I got to meet this child. I am grateful to God that she celebrated the first years of her lives with us. Thanks be unto God!

Remembering that evening when Kuya mentioned a child and her story broke my heart. That night when I was motivated to take part in the service of the abandoned children.That night when I have sent my resume to Infant Care as a volunteer care giver on my tedious hours aside from studying.

Her story started when Sis Arlene, Bro. Daniel’s wife, saw her lying along the street–grasping and extremely ailed. She was taken to the hospital. The diagnosis told she has severe pneumonia. She was treated promptly and given post care. Knowing the misery of her living, Sis Arlene suggested to deliver the child under the custody of ADDFII to prevent the child from further harm and be given proper child health and care management. Talks with the parents and DSWD were arranged and reconciled. The result turned out for the best of the child.

She was thin, black, dirty, with lot of rashes, ill-tempered baby when she first got to the institution. She misses her moms, she cries a lot before until she become accustomed to her new living. Today she is brilliant, bright, acive, big, lovely baby girl with a “tomboy” gesture and a bully look. HAHAHA. She’s one of my favorite because she loves to eat, you don’t get a hard time feeding her except for sleeping. Princess is the humor source of the other babies. She knows how to makes them laugh. That’s why I believe babies have languages that they can only understand. Princess is very sweet. Every night when she coughs due to pending pneumonia, I tugged her back to console her and cough out sputum as well, the next morning she would cling on you. She will always look for you.

The night before her birthday, the social workers were surprised upon the unexpected visits of Princess’s family—her mother, lola and 2 older siblings. They use to call her “Ashly” rather than Princess that’s why when they asked “Asan si Ashly?” we look around and utter “Sino si Ashly?” They were extremely happy to see her again in a very well condition. Princess seems to miss her family as well for there is a different glow in her eyes and smile. Her siblings were also loud and happy to see her. They kiss her on cheeks; hug her tightly, strolled and give her a gift of a pair of pink slippers and a dress. That was a teary-eyed night indeed. The longing of a loving mother for her beautiful little daughter filled the room. The family stayed at the Transient home to pass the night.

On her very special day, a kid’s party was arranged in participation of ADFII staffs, abandoned children and her family. Intermission numbers were performed by children’s together with her siblings too. Parlor games was also initiated and participated by all age groups. Inspirational message from the staffs and her parents were delivered as well. Slide shows of princess’s pictures were shown while guests are eating their foods. The party was a success and everybody is thankful that this pretty girl shared her 1st year with us.

ROGA DAY 1–06-24-13

 

 

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First day of Duty as a 3rd year SN. WooO!

I always have the best clinical experience here at RMMH (Rogaciano Mercado Memorial Hospital). Last time I had was at the Delivery Room having Maam Erlinda del Rosario as our clinical instructor. I have learned a lot from her albeit, she speaks like a raging race car. I always love her strict, embarrassing, genuine and never sarcastic approach as a teaching strategy. That definitely works for me. Speaking of experience, I have gained a deep sense of concern for my patients. It is always a pleasure for me how I widen my realizations during the most despairing moments. Each preggy moms are scared, they are in need of reassurance. I am happy that I have fulfilled my purpose as a comforter. This day, I don’t have much chance to show. We are at OR and the procedure was TAHBSO ( Total Abdominal Hysterectomy Bilateral Saphingo OOphorectomy). When the patient arrives she was so quiet and seems thinking deeply. I just thought If I were on her shoes and I will be put on that cold and damp OR table, naked with only a gown as cover. Nurses would open my legs that I look like a frog with exposed genitals. Then later, the surgeons will splice me up open and will totally remove the certain parts like the whole uterus thing cervix, those that distinguishes me as a woman. That would be hilarious! I will be scared, I will surely feel that my being is incomplete, I will feel that I am not the same as before, that I am not anymore normal because of loss. Anticipating the experience, what will I feel when the anaestologist inject a long needle along my spine and later fall asleep. When I’m asleep? how sure that I won’t feel pain? Will I live? Am I safe in the hands of these doctors? And if I survived? What will I be from then? What should I feel? Happy? because my cancer was rule out..How about the incompleteness and loss? How will I deal with it? That may be somethings that is running on her mind. The uncertainty of the future and the feeling of pending loss, that she will never be the same again. But she should be thankful though, if the operation went successful, she should celebrate life. She was given the chance to extend her life and life is a gift. It may not be the same as before but that is an experience worth keeping. In the right state of mind, and a harnessed heart this experience would definitely make her strong.

The procedure was bloody and invasive. A lot of clamps were used at the same time, around 7 I guess..Surgeons hands were very fast and Ken, who was the assigned scrub nurse at that time was in a hurry. The procedure took a little fast than the usual TAHBSO time because the couple surgeon were very good and assists are so many including us. After the procedure, I saw that there was a catheter in place. The lady was shivering. She’s suffering from hypotension. You could see her hands tremors I thought that’s complication from the spinal anesthesia. But naah..the patient loss volumes of blood so she suffered from hypotension. After we assisted her on the stretcher for transfer. She said “salamat po” in shivering voice. It was a breath of fresh air, it touches the heart. That’s the consolation of being in the medical field, when you aid in maintaning life and restoring a life… you will feel grateful when someone thanked you in return. It means so much. It is from a grateful heart.

 

I just realize how God feels whenever someone thanked Him with all their heart. With repentance and mourning soul. God is never hard to please, we just have to acknowledge everything He does and be grateful. Offer Him the best and never look back to the wrongness of doing. I feel blessed in this field. I hope I may continue with His help.

To God be the Glory! 🙂

 

Wisdom in Rest and Silence

bmcThis day is so wonderful to me. I am blessed with such lovely stories interwoven by the delicateness of perspectives in each experiences this day brought forth— a bit of mine and a pack of fresh whole blood from those around me.

GYNECOLOGY WARD DUTY @ Bulacan Medical Hospital

I might subconsciously derived this “goodvibes” feel of today from my classmate Joanne who has been warm and kind to me. She really is a nice person, I knew it by heart. My encounter issues with her has long been kindled because somehow I fail to engage myself to her for I was so closely attached to the people I used being with. In fact, I always see her as a person who triggers up the mood of everybody be it light or harsh for sometime hehe..but she is the type that will definitely lift the spirits of anybody or be a star in a party—well, the upside down version of me.

I wasn’t tired at all. Doing round VS every 8 am and 12 pm is usually tiring but not intoxicating at all like what I had at the Delivery Room. Yeah, standing for hours and looking for a sit might gave a “nega” factor. However, in times when you don’t do much except observing or getting the feel of the room you are unconsciously gaining the vastness of human nature. –The desire to live despite all resistance including being moneyless, the immeasurable selflessness of a loving husband or anyone who truly cares for you in times of grave ill, the one who almost at the edge of death act normally as she could, maintain as cheerful as she can, and to talk endlessly but sensibly touching peoples lives.

BIBLE EXPOSITION @ Ang Dating Daan Convention Center

My body is almost worn out, my mind not so, my spirit—free at peace. I went to exposition carrying my Mandarin book and my Paksaan. I did my assignment during Exposition but everytime Bro. Eli makes striking points—both analytical and biblical, can’t help but to stop and tell my self “ this crap can wait”. I love listening to the queries about the purpose of life, the questions asked by the psychologist, the weird-looking Hongkong national, from Davao and of course the pastor—My brain is multitasking till it reach the time that I fold my book and it was the Paksaan left alone lying at my lap. The pastor who called his HeadPastor without prior notice and appoint a debate with Bro. Eli made my night went wild. I was both nervous and pitiful to the head pastor cause the end is already predictable. –before the setting of schedule the whole thing was crazy like butterflies in both chest and belly. Really fun and funny. I noted Bro. Eli’s grace in speaking, light sarcasms, very intelligent deliveries of statement for the head pastor. He is extraordinary indeed! I am above fortunate to know and be shared of his teachings of Gospel.

Hoping to see that day, On January ,God willing, a debate will be hold.

TO SUM IT UP:

Thank God for this day and this people. I feel a blessed human being. Being inside the true Church with my family, friends, brothers and sisters in faith makes me so overwhelmed.

DECEMBER 5, 2012

A day full of discouragement from unmet goals and apprehensions. The ambient that thwarts the revival of the ominous  dignity that has long been idled wandering in confusion. Each pangs that stabs , a mouth that drools of avarice punishes the remaining seed within all wanting but change.

Until when the discipline releases itself from the chain of fears and covet. Each bite… then a mouthful of desire temporarily eases  fleshly demands yet hurts repenting conscience. Till when? Harsher days are on their way destroying towers and sane minds–and I’m on a present battle with self unequipped. I am losing,  counting down till  the days of depressions .

A friend of myself, I only advise. Battle my weakness! Anything can be learn and be gained. If heart is weightier than all needs—change and better views are within reach in a twinkling of a second. Put heart and be docile. Put heart and rest assured, you’ll receive peace.